Royai: Drunken Stupidity
by Hawkeye-Fan-101
Summary: Royai oneshot. Roy and his subordinates get drunk, and some crazy things happen. Rated M for slight lime and extreme language.


Yo, made a oneshot. I think this is one of my funniest that I've wrote. Everyone's going to be out of character because, well you read the title. Royai, of course. That's the only thing I write. WARNING: LIME AND EXTREME USE OF LANGUAGE IN THIS STORY.

Roy: I'm pissed.

Me: Why?

Riza: Because he had to finish paperwork today or I'd shoot him.

Roy: Nu-uh! Cuz' I had to go and buy candy for the elves.

Me: WTF?

Riza: . . . Sir, are you alright?

Roy: Yeah, hang on, I've gotta ride the purple unicorn across the rainbow.

Me: What in the bloody hell?

Roy: Hey, Hawkeye-Fan-101!

Me: What?

Roy: Will you marry me?

Me: *Faints*

Roy: Oh wait, I was supposed to ask Riza that. I meant to ask her what other stories she's writing. Oh, well. (To be continued . . .)

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of the characters.**

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Royai: Drunken Stupidity

Roy snatched the bottle of tequila that was hidden in a secret cabinet located in the office. It was after work, but his subordinates were going to play a fake game of poker, something they did about once every month. The fake poker was because they used fake money, a suggestion from Falman because they all got flat-out drunk.

"Colonel?" Havoc asked. "Is Lt. Hawkeye finally going to stay?"

"No, I'm not," Riza replied, walking into the room.

"Riiiiiiiizaaaaaaa," Roy whined.

"No, sir."

"Please . . ." Roy lay on the ground, hugging her legs. "I'll do all my work AND take you to that gun festival. You know the one, the one where they're showing all of the new _sniper_ rifles . . ." Riza froze, thinking about the tempting offer.

"I suppose I could stay . . ."

"Yay!" Roy shouted. He got out shot glasses, hearing the door open with Breda carrying another bottle of booze. Feury walked in, also for the first time staying. All subordinates sat down at the four sided square table. Roy and Riza were on one side. Falman and Breda were on the other. Feury was alone on one end, as was Havoc.

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Pretty soon everyone was drunk, including Riza. All six were chatting away, unaware of the stupidity that babbled out of their mouths.

"Ya know what, Chief? You need to just have sex with Hawkeye. We all know that's what you two need." Havoc muttered.

"Oh, god Havoc. You're like Maes the marriage fairy. Except you is the one carrying a condom!"

"Condoms are no fun."

"I'm still a virgin." Breda declared.

"I'm not." Falman announced.

"I've fucked every pretty librarian in Central and Eastern Command." Feury stated. "Ah, fuck it! I lost again! Son of a mother-fucking bitching jack ass."

"MSG, I didn't know you talked like that." Riza mumbled.

"Shove it!"

"You don't have to be so mean . . ." Riza stammered, tears brimming her eyes.

"Don't worry Riza; don't let him get to you." Roy slurred, patting her head.

"I'm gonna kill every damn dog in this city." Breda said.

"Why would you kill Brahaha?" Riza cried. Tears streamed down her face.

"Relax; he ain't going to do that."

"You don't know that!" She shouted. Her lower lip trembled, but that didn't stop Roy from his lips brushing hers.

"Do you wanna hook up tonight?" he whispered sexually into her ear, swift fully changing the topic. Normally she would have slapped him, but instead, she nodded. "You going to wear a miniskirt for me?"

"Yeah . . ." she said softly, she was abnormally being submissive. But of course in his drunken state, Roy didn't notice.

"Mmmmm, I'm going to enjoy that," He murmured. He took his hand and began to rub it up and down her thighs.

Havoc got up, taking a pencil, and began to draw on the walls for no apparent reason. Breda was running up and about, flapping his arms up and down and shouting, "I'm a bird!" Feury was rummaging through the cards, cursing at every thin colored paper. Falman got up, walked around and mumbling that the artist did very good work.

Maes walked in, holding more pictures of his beloved daughter. He stopped, staring at the awkward scene.

"Uhhh, hey what's going on?" Hughes asked. When no one answered him, he walked around trying to put everyone straight. First he took the cards away from the Master Sergeant.

"Fuck you, and fuck your stupid daughter!"

"Wow, you don't have to be so rude . . ." Maes muttered. He didn't know the normally gentle-hearted officer could be so hurtful. But that's why alcohol was never a good idea. "Holy crap, Lt. Breda, don't!"

"I'm going to fly!" Breda squealed. Then proceeded to try to jump down the four story window, Maes caught him just in time. "If you don't let me go I'll shit right on your window like my other entire little birdie friends!"

"I'm surrounded by idiots . . ." He pulled Breda in, and then moved on to Havoc. "Lt. I don't think you should write on the walls."

"Okay!" Havoc replied. Then he turned and walked into a closet, shutting the door.

"Well, at least he won't be able to do anything stupid or get himself hurt." Maes turned and saw a disturbing sight. Falman was 'relieving' himself with a plant. "I don't think I'll get close to him." He turned to see his best friend kissing and nibbling on Hawkeye's neck. Maes backed against a wall; he began to laugh at the whole scenario.

"Roy should you be doing that?"

"Shut up Maes, I'll have my Riza tonight." Roy spat.

Then Ed came in.

"Hey I heard noise, so I came-" Ed now almost passed out. His eyes immediately fell onto Roy and Riza, the two organs almost bulging out of his head. "What in the hell is going on?"

"They're drunk."

"But the Lieutenant is-"

"Just leave them be, Edward."

"There's no toilet paper in here!" Havoc shouted from the small closet.

Riza awoke to find herself nude in her bed. Black Hayate was on the floor, sleeping. She wondered why because he was usually in bed with her. She turned and saw her commanding officer in her bed, _just as naked_. She held her breath, and got up quickly, making her head swim with the hangover.

"Riza . . ." Roy grumbled groggily. He opened his eyes, taking his arm and laying her down closer to him. "You were amazing last night."

"I-I was?"

"Yeah." He smirked. Then reached for something under the pillow. "I always told you you'd look good in a miniskirt." He showed her a picture of her and Roy. She was sitting on his lap, wearing a miniskirt and holding a gun. His uniform was a mess, and looking at the camera in a sexual matter. Pink spread across her cheeks, which only made his smirk widen.

"What happened last night?"

"We all got drunk, and probably acted stupid. What else?" he laughed.

"But-"

"Let's not question it. I wouldn't have it any other way."

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Yay, done. I'm glad you guys read it, and sorry for such language. But you know how drunks can get.

Riza: You okay from that fall?

Me: Yeah, I'm fine.

Roy: Sorry 'bout that.

Me: Yeah, what was that?

Roy: Uh, nothing. I'll explain later, everyone else will just have to read more new stories from you to find out what was wrong with me.

Me: Coolio.

Riza: (Sits on couch next to me.) What're we watching?

Me: Ghost Adventures.

Roy: Oooo, can I watch too?

Me: Fine, just don't get frisky in front of me.

Roy: Now review her story or I'll never take my shirt off in the movie!

Me: You're going to take your shirt off in the movie?

Roy: I dunno, maybe. And if you don't review her story I'll never like my fan-girls. OR get together with Riza.

Me: NOOO! YOU HAVE TO GET TOGETHER WITH RIZA! PLEASE REVIEW!

LOL XD

Thanks, Hawkeye-Fan-101


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